just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
