Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
is wine microwaveable?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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