I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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