we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
