my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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