I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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