Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
