Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
