totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
