I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
