where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
