I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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