I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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