watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
