If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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