A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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