____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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