YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
