You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
