Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize