Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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