u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
