Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
