I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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