Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
