And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
