My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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