Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
