my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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