my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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