my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
