Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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