My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
