My liver just broke up with me...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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