Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize