Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
