Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
