I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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