i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
