A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
