Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You made out with two different species that night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
