Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
