so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my being single is dangerous.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
