the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
