Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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