Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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