why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
