things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
