why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
