I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
