Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
