Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
barbara walters just said penis...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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