Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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