Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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