I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
