last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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