i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
