My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize