I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize