3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
