Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
