when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
