I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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