We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
