I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize